I lost myself in an abusive relationship

5 Ways to Rebuild And Love Yourself After An Emotionally Abusive Relationship - Everyday Feminism

i lost myself in an abusive relationship

Most likely, you will suffer a loss of identity in a verbally abusive relationship. The relationship will take you as far away from yourself as it's. mikaelalapus. People act in really unappealing ways when they lose themselves in their relationships. I know this intimately because I see it. But we don't just lose ourselves in our romantic relationships. are shockingly similar to those that keep a woman in an abusive relationship.

Primarily we do it because we think that we need some external thing to make us valuable. Although we are not even consciously aware of it, what we are actually telling ourselves is that we need this thing - whatever it is - in order to be worthy. We need it because it makes us feel safe. Unfortunately, our brains are wired to choose safety even when it's not really safe or healthy for us at all.

If you are like me or Carrie Bradshawhowever, you might not even be aware that it's happening.

i lost myself in an abusive relationship

That's why I've put together this short list of signs to watch out for. If you answer yes to one or more of these questions, then you may be losing yourself in your relationship. This was a huge one for me.

How I Learned to Love Myself Again after an Abusive Marriage — Purpose Fairy

During my first marriage, every time I was hanging out with friends or chatting with co-workers, I almost always used the pronoun "we" instead of "me. Obviously, sometimes it is appropriate when you are actually speaking on behalf of your coupleship, but I challenge you to stop making "we" your go-to pronoun and make a conscious choice to speak for yourself first.

A couple of years ago, I began working with a client who was an absolute wreck from working in a soul-sucking job that she just couldn't bring herself to quit. She was a lawyer and working for a company that consistently engaged in unethical behavior. She regularly found herself going against her own moral compass and often ended up in tears over it. Yet, she was terrified to quit her job. She was convinced that she would not be able to find another job because no other company would have her.

I have come to believe that the emotional and mental dynamics that keep a woman in an abusive job are shockingly similar to those that keep a woman in an abusive relationship. I've met many women who would never tolerate emotional or physical abuse from a man but choose to stay in a job that does just as much damage to their self-esteem for the false sense of security that their regular paycheck brings them.

When my husband and I decided to move in together, I was so desperate for the sense of security that I thought cohabitating would bring me that I just gave all my stuff away. I literally just sat most of it out on the curb and gave it all away for free.

i lost myself in an abusive relationship

Looking back with regretI can clearly see that this was a reflection of how I felt about my own value. On the surface, I was saying that everything that my husband owned was more valuable and more important than what I owned. Deep down, however, I was saying that my husband was more valuable. When did being overworked, stressed out and guilt-ridden become the national pastime for women? When did saying no to others in order to take care of ourselves first become a mortal sin?

We have been told for years that we have to take care of ourselves first before we can take care of others and, yet, most women seem completely incapable of doing it. I totally still struggle with it and have to renew my commitment to myself on a regular basis. Because we collapse under the weight of our guilt and our addiction to doing as opposed to being. Because we have to deeply discount the value of our own needs in order to sweep them under the rug.

Because, deep down, we don't value ourselves as much as we value others. This is the big kahuna in terms of losing yourself -- and your integrity. The most recent episode of my life is a classic example. I knew that something was going on with my husband. That tiny voice in my head was shouting out that something was seriously wrong in my marriage, but I didn't want to listen to it. I was too afraid to ask the hard questions.

5 Ways to Rebuild And Love Yourself After An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

I chose, instead, to keep shoving my head in the sand and focusing on anything and everything else but what was really begging for my attention. The bad thing about shoving one's head in the sand is that eventually you will start to suffocate and be forced to pull your head out and take a look around.

One Sunday afternoon in early March, I discovered proof of my husband's transgressions that I could no longer deny. Fast forward to today and my husband and I are committed to each other and to our individual recoveries. The tricky part for me has been how to maintain my own sense of self while being an equal partner in my marriage. In order to save my marriage, I have had to learn how to speak up for myself. I have been pushed to live what I like to think of as an "unfiltered life.

I have to tell my husband that he has hurt my feelings or pissed me off even though I still harbor a secret fear of abandonment. Yes, I still find myself pushing through the fear that my husband, who is ever so grateful for my choosing to stay in our marriage, will leave me if, heaven forbid, I actually admit to having feelings or needs and wants. So, as a nation of what I like to call "lost girls," how do we find ourselves again? How do we become whole again?

9 Painful Signs You’ve Completely Lost Yourself In Your Relationship

Well, first, we actually have to know what our needs and wants are before we can ask for them. A large part of my life was inked with trauma, and it needed time to heal.

i lost myself in an abusive relationship

I forgave myself Although it feels like a herculean task, in the beginning, loving yourself again starts with forgiveness. One moment you might blame yourself for having tolerated the abuse for so long. And in another, you might scold yourself for not giving it another chance. But you are asking yourself the wrong questions. Instead, show compassion to yourself, like you would to a loved one under duress.

Five Signs that You've Lost Yourself (and Your Integrity) in Your Relationship | HuffPost

Because at the end of the day, you have won a war. And you must give yourself time to get back on your feet. I de-stressed myself Everybody has a different reaction to stress. Some prefer to sleep their days away, whereas, others remain wide awake with the intrusive brooding of self-hatred.

Regardless of the way you deal with stress, I realized that an essential way to get back to loving yourself is to accept what happened, and relax. Read, meditate, pray, eat. For me though, when the train of thoughts derailed and headed for the crash, herbal fruit tea was an ultimate relaxant. I spent a few days next to the sea in a resort, lying under the open sky and feeling grateful for the beauty and abundance surrounding me.

Mindful breathing also did wonders when I felt suddenly stressed and even depressed. I let go This is easier said than done.

When a person goes through trauma, the mind goes into survival mode. It focuses on all the things that can go wrong. To let go, you can ask for support. Reconnect with old friends and increase social activities. You only need to ask yourself if such thoughts would do you any goodthe answer will help you to switch tracks to acceptance. I found a creative outlet Negative emotions are pollutants of the mind, body, and soul as they linger around and leave lasting imprints.

A layer of mixed feelings had hugged me directly after the end of my marriage. A sigh of relief was always accompanied by pangs of anger, resentment, confusion, guilt and much more. Over time, however, I realized that the best way to get rid of the emotions was to provide them an outlet.

i lost myself in an abusive relationship

You might find this outlet for writing, painting, sewing or some other art form. Additionally, studies have also recognized the significance of penning down your feelings in easing the stress.