Is Marriage a Ball and Chain? - The Good Men Project
How would you feel if you were told by the person you cared about that you were their "Ball and Chain"? Like, if they said it in a casual way, but. Someone who won't let you do or go anywhere without him/her. It really depends on the context in which he is saying it. Does he get the chance to spend time with his friends or do you have to be with him.
A time of freedom. A time when we had no ties and could make decisions without consulting anyone.
They are ensnared in a ball and chain psychology of learned helplessness without realizing the key to freedom is in their back pocket. When we are married and bored, angry, depressed, or stuck in an existential ennui, we cast our eyes back to the time before marriage, conveniently forgetting what we were longing for and recalling only that heady feeling of freedom.
And maybe we have compromised ourselves in order to keep the peace and all we are left with is a feeling of being less than we could be, that life has somehow cheated us, and now the only recompense is a beer while complaining with our buddies. For whatever reason, these men feel they cannot be honest with their spouses, and the relationship cannot change for the better. The freedom key, which men in healthy marriages know, is bringing oneself fully to the relationship.
It is not about losing the passion, but recreating passion on a daily basis. Unfortunately, these men often feel there is no way to change the situation; they are dis-empowered and will grin and bear it, or take it on the chin like men of old. Staying alive in the relationship is another key.
Marriage: Ball and Chain or Free to Be You?
The ball and chain is, if not death, a living torture of never ending entropy. Staying alive is challenging in our demanding lifestyles with work and children and it is easy to feel like life is one chore after another with no time to give to the relationship. Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free For healthy couples, the relationship is a place of safety, renewal, and comfort.
It is a place that nurtures and gives joy. It is not a perfect place, nor is it expected to be. It has room to breathe as do the people in it. When there is safety and trust, the marriage grows with time and ripens into something succulent with vivid flavors. I have sympathy for those men that complain about their relationship. For these men, life as become weighty as they are burdened down with the ball and chain. His own experience and those of his co-workers inform him that relationships are painful, dangerous, and end badly.
How do I convince him that there is another narrative — one with a different ending? He is taking responsibility and examining how he relates to women and where the breakdowns occur. He senses that there is a better way and knows he has to change in some ways.
He is intelligent and articulate and full of anger. He is working on that too. In one sense he is lucky. But take that ball and chain into the river of a relationship and it is a whole different story. Worse yet, you have a partner that loves you and wants to hold you up and support you as you are drowning, only to be dragged to the deep as well. If you enter rapids, it is even worse. At least in the pond, you are floundering and fighting for survival with a modicum of a chance of survival.
In the rapids there is ZERO chance of survival. The ball will become stuck between rocks and keep you both submerged until death, then you will float away with the rest of the detritus stirred up.
What is this ball and chain? Your unwillingness to forgive and let go. Sometimes we become so accustomed and so damaged by the trauma of our past that the ball and chain becomes comfortable, a safe place.
You can depend on the ball and chain to always be there, to always be present. You would rather wear that ball and chain because of the comfort and familiarity of it. You have developed muscle mass to drag it around.
You have developed callouses to keep it from chaffing. I carried the ball and chain of sexual assault as a child. Of PTSD from abuse at the hands of family and a spouse, from experiences in law enforcement that still causes me sweats at night.
The rejection of my peers for being ugly, being different, for being poor. My ball and chain was formed from links of the hardest stuff: I earned every link. I was toned with the muscles of carrying the weight, and it became my identity. I know, because I formed the ball and chain to also protect myself. What you have to realize is that yes, it is a weight and a fetter, but it is also a weapon — a flail.
Student Analysis: Rousseau
Wieldy, devastating, painful to all those that feel its crushing blow from the weight of my trauma. We have the power, though. We have two gifts that God has given us to free ourselves from our self imposed restriction. We have free agency, we have repentance.
We have choice, we choose to break the links. However, breaking these links is a difficult task.This Ballsy Tattoo Could Totally Ruin This Relationship - How Far Is Tattoo Far? - MTV